My daughter (who at the time was 5) and I were at the nail salon bonding while getting our nails painted by a lovely and friendly beauty therapist. Next to us, another lady sat with her son approximately the same age as my daughter. It seemed that the ladies knew each other as they spoke in their native tongue.
Some time passed and my beauty therapist got up, went to the kitchen and came back with a lolly for herself and the boy.
I could see my daughter’s eyes widen as she looked at the boy eating the lolly, looking at the lady in hope that she would give her one too. My heart sank as I watched my daughter (though glad she didn’t any extra sugar). I could see she was confused and really wanted a lolly. Should I ask the lady for a lolly for my daughter? Should I just ignore the situation? Should I say something to my daughter?
I let the moment pass and commented on how sparkly her nails were and that glitter was a great choice.
Afterwards, in the car driving home, I asked my daughter how she felt about the situation and not getting a lolly. In her words, she said she was sad as she wanted the lady to give her a lolly too. I acknowledged her feelings and said I probably would have felt the same way. Then I explained how we can only control the way we react and how she did a fantastic job by staying calm and not getting upset. I thanked her for that.
Then she asked me why the lady didn’t give her a lolly. We brainstormed on possible scenarios and came up with some of the following ideas:
- The lady was friends with the boy and wasn’t friends with my daughter
- The lady was never taught to offer lollies to people she didn’t know especially kids
- The lady didn’t have any more
- The lady thought my daughter was allergic
- The lady thought that my daughter would say no, so she didn’t want to be rejected
The brainstorming part was great, as we took the time to evaluate the other person’s perspective in a positive way. I was also pleasantly surprised at how much my daughter contributed. A lot of the ideas on why the lady didn’t give her a lolly came from my daughter, I mainly sat and listened.
Finally, I asked what did she learn from the situation, and her response was that she needs to share lollies when other people are around or if she does not want to share, eat the lollies when no one is around.
Later that day, I overheard my daughter explaining to her brother what had happened and why he needs to share. She went on to explain to him that it is ok if people do not share with him and not to get upset as no one taught them to share and it is not because they are mean.
This was a moment I was proud of, I knew that my daughter learnt a valuable lesson and that the beautician truly gave my daughter and me a beautiful gift.
Later on, when reflecting on the day I realised that kids know and understand more than I probably expect and the importance of bringing up and discussing scenarios to help them (and me) digest the emotions. I wonder what would have happened had I not said anything? My guess is that my daughter would have had valid negative emotions most likely linger within her and not be resolved. She is smart enough to understand that she felt something during that time, yet not developed enough to process the situation.
The lesson that I had learnt is to openly bring up conversations with children and ask questions to help them evaluate, learn and grow.
I would love to hear from you, can you tell me about a time you helped your child process emotions?
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